Warning: Possible Goth Triggers
I'm in year 11 and we're studying Gothic literature until the end of October in my extension English class. I thought I was on the way to recovery, but I found myself listening to Bauhaus while I was writing a ghost story we were asked to do for homework. I have to read 50 pages of The Castle of Otranto before next lesson. Is there any hope for me?

It’s already spread to your tumblr; Rimbaud is inside your avatar!

Say his name backwards in the screen 3 times in a dark room to get him out… Or that might make him stab your hand… Either way you’ll start to snap out of it!

The line between post-punk and Goth is like the one between art and pornography; no one can define it but you know it when you see it… and one has a lot more fishnets.
Try slowly transitioning to a hipster instead! Get the cheapest, wateriest “craft” beer you can find, thick glasses you don’t need, memorabilia from the 80s you can’t identify, and LOTS of mustaches- THEY’RE HILARIOUSLY EXPECTED!

The line between post-punk and Goth is like the one between art and pornography; no one can define it but you know it when you see it… and one has a lot more fishnets.

Try slowly transitioning to a hipster instead! Get the cheapest, wateriest “craft” beer you can find, thick glasses you don’t need, memorabilia from the 80s you can’t identify, and LOTS of mustaches- THEY’RE HILARIOUSLY EXPECTED!

Founding father James Madison often dressed in all black and "cut a somber figure", and was described as a "gloomy stiff creature"... The founding fathers of these United States of America??? IS NOBODY SAFE???!?!?! IS NOTHING SACRED???
Anonymous

::takes glasses off dramatically::

OH. MY. GOD.

He probably just made the Louisiana Purchase so he could mope around New Orleans. 

That also explains why he asked friends to call him James Mad-Bad-and-Dangerous-to-know-ison.

To which Byron was all, “Look, I am an abomination of a human being and I will be the first to gleefully list all the sick things I’ve done to anyone who will listen; but I never owned slaves and would never consider condoning that shit, even in the middle of my most drunken, opium-filled, doomed-writer zoorgy.

That’s this thing when you have an orgy with people who will die tragically in about 6 months in my private zoo, with soooooooooooo much booooze and maybe a half-sister

I drink right out of old skully here. Isn’t that right, skully? ‘dats right bywon!’ heh heh. Yeah, anywho, don’t sully my reputation.”

I am a goth and I am very happy. There is a cute little cheerleader girl in my class who is downright miserable. SO THERE!
Anonymous

I could lecture you on how 2 people do not constitute a statistically significant sample size, or just say NUH UHHHH.

If you’re so happy WHY ARE YOU YELLING?! 

> Wanting to dress your non-goth partner in all black and put dark makeup on them. You’d look so wonderfully, wonderfully, wonderfully, wonderfully, pretty! ---> Whoa, kiddo. Manners.You don't want them to say it to you, so don't say it to them (shivers remembering the last time someone suggested I died my hair blonde-- "you could be so pretty", they said). Unless you want pink lipstick for your birthday.
Anonymous

Good tip! Stop trying to spread the disease!

No Sisters Of Mercy? Why not? They aren't goth at all. They're a rock'n'roll band, a pop band, and an industrial groove machine. It says so right there on their website. Nothing remotely gothy about them. They are completely safe to listen to.
Anonymous

Don’t trust Doktor Avalanche over ME!!

Cammawn! Zie’s not even a real Doktor! And look how much nicer I am when answering questions, dear friend oh-and-have-some-tea-won’t-you:

Yeah, what blog mod you trust now? Me.

Also please peruse the archives of evidence I’ve collected on Andrew’s Goth denial.

Yesterday my class toured an art gallery, which had apparently had major renovations in 1959. The tour guide said "1959" so many times that I relapsed and spent the rest of the trip trying not to sing about which way the wind blows. It didn't help that I was wearing my aviators and leather jacket at the time. (What? There was sunlight reflecting off the snow! It was chilly out!)
Anonymous

O RLY?

Really?

It just happened to be both sunny and cold and you just happened to only have aviators and a black leather jacket because you can only afford to shop at Goth Will?

How very dare you.

When you say you went with your “class” do you mean best friend and you guys took notes? Don’t even answer that.

NO MUSEUMS

NO SISTERS OF MERCY

NO AVIATORS

NO BLACK LEATHER JACKETS

NONE OF THAT

OR ANY OF THE OTHERS

I was playing a live video of Peter Murphy singing "His Circle and Hers Meet" (help), when suddenly my kitten runs up to my tablet and stares at the video wistfully... I'm too weak to save him on my own, help me save him before it's too late!
Anonymous

Unfortunately, I just don’t think I can help cats.

You have a cat; have YOU ever tried to get it to do anything? To even go outside when it JUST spent 15 minutes crying at you and clawing your leg to go out? 

Like, your only asking the damn cat to do what IT said IT wanted to. But don’t you close that door and take one step away because the crying starting the second your foot hits the floor.

It’s best not to have a cat, I’m afraid. Check out my Gothicats collection to see why.

Are you gothics still around these days? You know Korn broke up right?
Anonymous

It’s ok, guys, breathe BREATHE.

Ok, now can I interest you in some khaki and polo? No? How about the I-Give-Up trio? Uggs, yoga pants, and hoodie? NOT IN BLACK!

I have accidentally injured myself several times on my sharpened fingernails. Today I got a sore throat trying to imitate various baritone singers. Is this what you mean when you say goth is dangerous? If so, I think I can handle it. If there are greater dangers, such as being crushed under a pile of novels, or blinded by toxic eyeliner, then I might reconsider.
Anonymous

Mmhmm mmhmm, all true. 

  • clove cancer
  • getting hairspray on fresh tattoos/piercings (wow there’s a lot of alcohol in hairspray!)
  • debilitating Vanian obsession
  • the rare Seasonal Affective Disorder that strikes in the Summer
  • strangulation by corset while attempting to put on or take off boots

the list of dangers go on…

Is my little sister working for you? She surrounds herself with many of the things you recommend for recovery and likes to spread them all throughout the house. At first I though it was normal behavior, but lately I've begun to suspect that she is one of your minions.
Anonymous

::looks at minion registrer::

yes.

"criminey"? just say SHIT like the rest of planet earth.
Anonymous

THEY DO NOT! At the feedstore do I say, “Oh, now Wally, give me a bag of that F-in’ pig feed, and a pound of that bitchly cow corn”? At the bank do I say, “Oh, Mrs. Malenger, here is one big bastard of a check, now give me some of your Christ-ing money!”

THERE, LOOK THERE, NOW SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO!

I don't understand, I listened to the greats Neil Young and Bob Dylan before I became...

Oh. Oh no. Oh nonono I've made a grave mistake quick douse me in Disney Radio and bossa nova arrrg
Anonymous

:adds “douse me in Disney” to repertoire::